Deanna Parobeck and Karen Ruf both lost a son to suicide and now volunteer with the Northern Kentucky Survivors of Suicide group to help others.
The group is an open door to those who have lost someone they know and care about due to suicide. Ruf said they meet people where they are with what they’re willing to share. She said the group has members who have lost friends, co-workers, parents, siblings and children.
“I think it’s very important with the stigma around it, where people hide from it; they whisper the word, ‘he died by suicide,'” Ruf said. “Addiction is treated in that same manner. There’s no shame around it. It deserves a full breath. ‘He died by suicide.'”
Parobeck said she first attended a meeting after her son died in 2008, and in the information from the funeral home, there was a brochure about it. Parobeck said she participated in a meeting about six to eight weeks after he died.
Ruf lost her son in 2016, and a neighbor who previously attended the group told her about it, and she attended roughly two weeks later.
Parobeck said attending the Survivor of Suicide meetings gave her hope.
“When I lost my son, I found that this group helped me almost more than anything else,” she said. “I read every book on suicide that I could. I did try a grief counselor a couple of times. I did not use medication, which I think can help some people without a doubt, but I think just being in this group and sharing with other people and knowing that they survived it, and you can survive it too, gives you hope. I think that’s what our loved ones lost. They lost hope.”
The meetings typically involve going around in a circle, with each person sharing a little bit about the loss of their loved one—their age, their name, the circumstances and what they’ve been struggling with. Ruf said everyone gets to talk uninterrupted, and then it opens up to free conversation.
Parobeck said roughly half of the group said their loved one’s suicide was a total surprise—including Parobeck and Ruf’s son’s deaths.
Before attending meetings, Ruf said she always thought suicide had red flags, prior attempts and cries for help.
“That first meeting I went to, I just heard people say, ‘We were really surprised by this.’ ‘They really hid this,'” Ruf said. “It’s not uncommon for there not to be a lot of red flags that you would think would be there. I think just suicide education—I’ll never know why. I’ll never know certain answers, but it helped me understand that I’m not going to have them and to make peace with that.”
According to data from the Suicide Prevention Resource Center, from 2011 to 2021, the total age-adjusted suicide death rate increased from 12.3 to 14.1 per 100,000 people. During that time period, the rate increased from 20 to 22.8 per 100,000 for males. Among females, the rate increased from 5.2 in 2011 to 5.7 in 2021.
The Suicide Prevention Resource Center’s data shows that between 2015 and 2020, suicide rates increased for those ages 15 to 24, 25 to 34, and 35 to 44.
Parobeck agreed with Ruf that there is a stigma around suicide, leaving some people afraid to talk about it. As a physician, Paraobeck said she sees it at her job.
“Back before we had electronic records when we would fill out people’s medical history, their family history, if they put an arrow, but didn’t list a reason why I learned to say, ‘did they die by suicide?'” she said. “Because people were so ashamed and didn’t want to say that. I think that’s the most important thing that families struggle with, is that they feel that stigma.”
Ruf said she thinks about the question, “If you could go back in time, where would you go?” Ruf said one would think it would be the day her son died so she could intervene, and she said it would be—but also when her kids were younger. Ruf said she wishes she had mental health check-ins with her kids.
“I talked about everything else,” she said. “I talked about their body changes when they started driving, safe driving, respecting girls when dating, drugs, drinking, you name it, I talked to them about it. It never occurred to me to talk about mental health.”
Parobeck and Ruf are scheduled to speak at Newport High School in January to share their stories.
“For my son, he was an athlete, had great friends, nothing had ever went wrong in his life,” Ruf said. “Anything he worked for, he had he got. So, I think my intention is to kind of go in and describe this person and go, ‘Do you think this person would have taken their life?'”
Parobeck said she feels it’s very important for people, when they’ve lost someone to suicide, to reach out because suffering by yourself is so difficult. She said she encourages anyone to contact them if they’ve lost someone.
The Northern Kentucky Survivors of Suicide meetings are held at 7 p.m. on the second Monday of every month at 15 S Fort Thomas Ave. in Fort Thomas. All are welcome, and registration is not required. Anyone who wishes to contact the group can do so here.
Ruf said that if someone can’t afford therapy, another recommendation is to see if their company offers an employee assistance plan. For example, Ruf’s employer offers five free visits to see a therapist per year.
Other resources aside from the Northern Kentucky Survivors of Suicide meetings that Ruf recommends include:
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention offers support and information for both people struggling with depression and thoughts of suicide, as well as survivors.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness is an organization dedicated to building better lives for those affected by mental illness.
