Emily Post, the grande dame of 20th century etiquette, did not say a lot about host gifts except that it is customary to give a small gift to thank someone for inviting you into their home. The tradition is not quite as common today, but most people do still bring a little something, especially to holiday parties and events.
Some hosts specifically ask guests not to bring anything, and that should be respected, but what if it’s not mentioned? Should you bring something? The general answer is, yes, if you want. In this day and age, no one should expect it.
“It is appropriate to bring a gift for your host when you are invited into someone’s home for the holidays. Whether that is for an open house or some type of dinner party or event, it is appropriate to bring a small gift to show your appreciation for them opening up their home to you,” said Dina Schmid, etiquette consultant and founder of Queen City Etiquette.
General guidelines
Schmid outlined some general guidelines. First, be careful of what you select. If you know the person well, you will know if they have any allergies to certain foods, things like that. Otherwise, it’s best to avoid those or ask in advance.
Schmid’s No. 1 tip: Don’t bring anything that requires the host to do something with it.
“It should be something that does not create any work or obligation for them,” she said. “An example of that would be if you bring something that needs to be put in the refrigerator. They would need to clear out space. … Bringing flowers that need to immediately be put in a vase with water could be a problem. So, bringing flowers already in a vase would be a better gift.”
Schmid agreed with experts who emphasized that a gift for the host is not the same as bringing an item as a contribution to the event. If you bring a bottle of wine or a box of chocolates, don’t expect them to be opened up and added to the evening’s meal. You are bringing a gift for the host to enjoy at another time.
Here are a few more etiquette tips for giving host gifts:
· Be discreet. Find a private moment to give your host the gift. The goal is to thank the host, not to make others feel uncomfortable because they may not have brought something.
· Don’t expect the gift to be unwrapped or used right away. Sometimes your host may want to open it and share, but it’s nice to let them know subtly that it’s not expected, and it’s for them to enjoy later.
· Avoid food gifts that need to be served at the party. Again, unless asked to bring something to share, a gift basket of packaged items would be better than something that needs to be served right away.
· Giving a Christmas ornament can be tricky. If you know your host’s holiday color scheme or theme, or if it’s generic enough to be used in any decor, that will work. Just be careful.
What to gift
“One of the things that I like to promote is shopping local. … And this time of year, certain school support organizations will have packs of greeting cards,” Schmid said.
Also on her list were small crocheted items or embroidered hand towels picked up at craft markets, or specialty packaged foods, such as flavored olive oils. Holiday-themed kitchen items or bathroom hand towels also work well.
Other experts suggested holiday-themed coasters, serving platters, candy dishes, candles, cheese boards or tea towels. Guest soaps, potted plants and coffee table books also make many lists. A note about plants, however: Some are poisonous to pets. If your host has a pet, check online to make sure the plant is safe.
One expert reminded guests that host gifts differ a bit from what you might give that person for their birthday. By definition, a host gift tends to be something the person would use in entertaining, such as a serving dish or coasters.
Another tip: If you have been invited by a family, you might consider a board game or puzzle for the entire family to enjoy later.
What to do if you receive a host gift
Since a host gift is a thank you gift, you do not want to send a formal thank you note. Just say thank you or, if you want to acknowledge the gift further, a simple email or text the next day is fine. People like to know you received and appreciated it.
Don’t open the gift if others will see you. It’s okay if you are alone with the giver, and they seem to want you to open it, but you don’t want others to feel awkward if they didn’t bring one. Feel free to set the gift aside to be opened after guests have left.
Final tip: Relax. Holiday time can be stressful. Don’t add to it with worry over gifting. If you want to thank your host with a little gift, and they haven’t said not to, go ahead. Just keep in mind your relationship to your host, and what they might like. It’s just a nice way to say thanks.